I am so ready, deep-down-burning-inside ready, jump-out-of-my-skin ready, feeling-the-blood-boil ready. Ready for a new love, a new story, a new place. I look around this life, look at these chains that hold down, all the pain that seems to win, and I cry out for the torch. How do I cut the metal?
The feeble attempts of mine are not enough. I want you in the basement-attic-garage of my house, not just on the front porch. I want to give you my all, and to stop pretending that I already have.
God? Where are you? I scream out in desperation. I need you!
Where do you come? When do you arrive? I am tired of the trying, all the struggle.
I want your perfect world, I want to see your heaven revealed on this earth.
But despite all my wanting, this place it is in pain, it burns, it fails. Painful, scratch your open wound pain. Sit on the sidewalk and beg with nubs for fingers-pain. Hold your child and wonder if you will find a meal for him-pain.
I am opening my eyes, seeing this pain around me, feeling the pain in others. But the more I open my eyes the more I scream out for you to make it stop! The more I don’t want to see it all any more, I don’t want to know how bad it is.
It’s too bad.
Too low, too hard, too much hurt.
The truth I am finding by opening my eyes is that this world is really a fallen place, a deep dark dungeon of sin and human failings, crippling poverty, hunger.
This hurt-world is getting to be too much for me.
God I want your love to invade.
God I want your hope to bust this place wide open.
God I want to be a used up, blown to pieces, shredded, vessel of your love to others on this earth.
I want to make a difference.
Will you use me to bring hope, will you allow me to see progress in my wake, brightness behind me in the places that I have been, your love shown through the things that I do? Will you allow me that pleasure?
If you will not use me to bring change than you are going to need to close my eyes to the pain, and lukewarmness, and failing. If you are not going to transform me into a beacon of your love, than I cannot sit in this seat any longer. I want the blinders back.
Those who say its easy, who give formulas, simple steps, sign up forms. They are wrong. I have tried, and still this world, remains unaltered by my toiling.
I pray a burning prayer, a fiery torch rising from my soul, I pray that you use me to bring change to this place around me no matter the cost, that you change me from the inside so that I may do nothing but show your love to all those that you put in my life.